Scenes from a Marriage. A local therapist looks at relationships for scoop.

EDITORS NOTE:  We’re introducing a new blogger with this feature.  Whether you are in or out of a couple ~ married, single, looking, sworn off entirely ~ the relationships you have with others are no doubt a major part of every day of your life.  Deryle Hunter is a licensed therapist whose practice focuses on adults with anxiety, depression, loss, family conflict, life transitions and infertility. An area of particular interest and advanced training for Deryle is couples therapy.  Since scoop is all about achieving the best in local lifestyle, we’re thinking Deryle’s monthly feature will keep us focused on a healthy, happy interior life in addition to the pretty exterior trimmings we’re always on about.  In her first feature, Deryle tackles an issue that comes up often in her couples therapy:

QUESTION:  I don’t know what has happened- My husband and I used to talk easily, but lately, we have been fighting more and we can’t seem to get anything resolved. I feel like he is getting more distant from me and pulling back, which scares me. Now I am afraid try to talk to him for fear of making things worse.

Learning how to use healthy communication skills is one of the most protective ways to care for your marriage. When communication is working smoothly, you both feel happy, connected, respected and understood.   But, even in the best marriages, when you can’t resolve issues to mutual satisfaction, negative patterns of communication can develop.  Unhealthy communication patterns, and the damage done in the process, are primary factors which lead couples toward divorce.

Over time, many couples begin to struggle when the easy, natural communication patterns of early love give way to unproductive, frustrating exchanges. Your go- with- the- flow, acceptance gives way to heightened expectations of each other and the frustration of living with each other’s  personal habits. “Love him but, AHHHH it makes me crazy when he says he is going to do something and when he finally gets around to doing it, it isn’t up to my standards. I already have two kids and feel like his mother.” This is the familiar sound of communication breakdown and the “Power Struggle”.

Interestingly, a committed love relationship brings out the best and worst of our personal characteristics. We feel loved like we have never felt loved before and issues that we can let go in friendships and work environments tend to build up, and smolder in marriage. Unless you have learned how to express yourself effectively or someone showed you or taught you how to do it, in an attempt to work out problems, you tend to argue, bicker, control or avoid talking altogether.  These ineffective patterns can leave you or him feeling disconnected, distant, unhappy and much less passionate. Not the recipe for happily ever after!

Do I even want this? The clinical research of marriage communication expert, John Gottman, claims to be successful in predicting divorce through observing the interactive styles of newlyweds as they attempt to resolve a difficult topic. Research also shows that learning healthy communication skills builds long term marital happiness!

Chances are, you and your husband didn’t enter marital bliss knowing how to communicate effectively, but don’t despair. With time and practice, you can learn the skills needed to create positive, mutually beneficial interactions.

So, the goal is to create a marriage with great communication where you both feel safe to talk openly about all of you thoughts and feelings, from day to day needs, to your most private concerns.  You can resolve those maddening cyclical, hurtful and unproductive exchanges. When you get better at healthy communication you will present your concerns carefully, using considerate language.   No more tactics to “win” with blaming, embattled or hurtful language. Both of you will listen carefully to understand your lover’s point of view, rather than becoming distracted with your own defensive or self protective thoughts.  Each of you will have time to fully express your concerns while honoring you partner’s time. In other words, don’t use too many words! After the exchange, each of you will feel better and that you have made progress in addressing the concerns. When you feel better in your marriage you are a much better partner.

Here are a few examples of positive communication starters:

 Instead of saying this:

“You never listen to me”

Try saying this:

“I’d like talk with you about some concerns I’ve been having. Is now a good time?”

Instead of saying this:

“Really, would you just grow up? I’m not your mother. I’ve asked you a million times to…….”

Try saying this:

“I know you have a lot going on, but when I have to remind you to…… I feel frustrated and like my needs aren’t important to you.”

Instead of saying this:

“Do you always have to be the life of the party and dominate the dinner conversation? When I tried to get you to stop talking you got mad at me. ”

Try saying this:

“I know that you and I have a different recollection of what happened on Saturday night and I’d really like to understand it from your perspective.”

DERYLE HUNTER, LSCW

417-A South Sharon Amity Road 
Suite 100
Charlotte, North Carolina 28211
(704) 517-9116