And Baby Makes THREE. A local therapist’s tips on marriage with a newborn.

EDITORS NOTE: more from our new guest blogger Deryle Hunter, a licensed therapist whose practice focuses on adults with anxiety, depression, loss, family conflict, life transitions and infertility. An area of particular interest and advanced training for Deryle is couples therapy. Since scoop is all about achieving the best in local lifestyle, we’re thinking Deryle’s monthly feature will keep us focused on a healthy, happy interior life in addition to the pretty exterior trimmings we’re always on about. In her this feature, Deryle tackles an issue that almost every new parent must come to to terms with:

You’ve dreamed your entire life about how fantastic it was going to be to have a family of your own. You started by snagging the perfect man. After a few years of marital bliss, the two of you decided it was time to start a family. Nine months later, with the pregnancy behind you and your precious bundle in your arms, you are in shock.

Who would have thought that a tiny little baby could wreak such havoc in a perfectly well functioning life and marriage?

There is a good chance that your husband is wondering the same thing. While having your first baby is truly the fulfillment of an incredible dream and promise for the future, getting through the early months and redefining your relationship with your husband can be extremely challenging.

The never-ending demands of early motherhood can be completely overwhelming. You are hormonal, exhausted, and operating in a foreign environment that can seem downright hostile. You are trying to guess how to satisfy the seemingly endless needs of your infant, while attempting to ignore the most basic needs of your own. (Who needs a shower anyway, my husband knows how beautiful I used to be). And juggling all the other demands of the life you used to know and love.

As you set forth on a “new normal” for you and that man of yours, you might wonder, “What have I done? I used to have it all together. This is not what I was expecting. Why didn’t anybody tell (warn) me ??!!”

Don’t be disheartened if you feel less happy in your marriage after your baby arrives. Many studies show that it is normal to experience a drop in marital satisfaction after the birth of your first child. Studies also show that marital satisfaction improves over time.

Just know that there is no way to prepare adequately for this journey. The same way you can’t hoard sleep to use later when you need it most, you can’t know what your experience will be until you are in the middle of it. Lots of people will want to give you advice; take what feels right and let the rest go.  Even though it might seem like it, you are not alone. Others have gone before you and made it through. Below are some suggestions and wisdom to help make this time a little easier for the two of you.

1. Consider making a plan for who will be responsible for which tasks. Try to be flexible. Sometimes neither of you will be able to get it done on time, or at all.
2. Being exhausted and stressed often leads to resentments and arguments which you and your husband would easily resolve or just let go in the past. It will help each of you if you are willing to adjust your expectations of each other. Kindness, grace and compassion can substitute for the go-to connection that sex used to provide.
3. Take note of the helpful things he does for you and the ways he tries to show you that he loves you. It is important to redefine what love looks like and appreciate the little things.
4. Be protective of your time. The downtime you used to have for snuggling and hanging out together is now filled with things to do. Carefully choose your outside activities and with whom you spend your time.
5. Take advantage of the baby’s nap times. It is tempting to use that time to get things done, but if your husband is at home, you can spend some time together.
6. The old days of spontaneity will give way to making plans. Date nights are a great idea, if they are working well. If not, don’t put extra pressure on yourselves. Consider doing something fun together that doesn’t require so much of you. Meaningful conversation and romantic dinners will return in time.
7. Make plans to have sex. While scheduled sex may seem unromantic, the chances of actually having sex will be higher if you prioritize it.
8. You will fall more in love with your husband when you see him loving your child. Make sure to share your positive feelings and appreciation with him. It will mean a lot to him to for you to acknowledge his participation.
9. Ask for what you need. If you need his help, ask him for it. He may not know how to rise to the occasion or how to best help you, so help him out. If you need outside resources to get things done, see if your budget will allow for an extra sitter or help with chores.
10. Try not to get resentful of your husband’s seemingly unchanged life. You can be sure that the need to provide for the larger family creates increased pressure for him. Even though he may have the opportunity to go to work, his life has changed a lot too.
11. Allow yourselves to define what is right and normal for the two of you. Resist feeling competitive with peers or siblings. What works for you will not be the same as what feels right for your friends or family.
12. Create a strong social network to provide support and social interactions. Having good friends to rely on helps relieve some of the pressure on your spouse.
13. Invite friends over to your home. Resist the temptation to isolate if you think your house or meals aren’t in the shape they used to be. Friends love you and will enjoy being with you.

DERYLE HUNTER, LSCW

417-A South Sharon Amity Road 
Suite 100
Charlotte, North Carolina 28211
(704) 517-9116