Dealing with the emotional toll of infertility.

EDITORS NOTE: Help on dealing with infertility from our guest blogger Deryle Hunter, a licensed therapist whose practice focuses on adults with anxiety, depression, loss, family conflict, life transitions and infertility. An area of particular interest and advanced training for Deryle is couples therapy. Since scoop is all about achieving the best in local lifestyle, we’re thinking Deryle’s monthly feature will keep us focused on a healthy, happy interior life in addition to the pretty exterior trimmings we’re always on about. 

No matter where you look, someone is either pregnant or pushing a stroller. The wedding invitations have given way to baby shower invitations, each one more adorable than the last. There is no escape for you; there are young, happy families everywhere, and the mere sight of them can be too much to bear. You want a baby more than anything, and you just can’t make it happen.

Up to now, your strategy for achievement has been to work harder and smarter.  You have set goals, met deadlines, and succeeded. Now, you are trying your hardest, and the harder you try, the worse you feel.  Your life is dictated by the all-encompassing, excruciating, month after month physical and emotional rollercoaster of infertility.  Your optimistic high hopes, that this time will be different, give way to despair when you realize that you were unsuccessful again. You wonder, “Why can’t I make this work?  Why does their good fortune make me so miserable?  Who will I be and what will I do with the rest of my life if I can’t become a mother?”

The crisis of infertility may be one of the most difficult things you will have to face in your adult life. The emotional pain and longing you feel is devastating.  Infertility requires that you alter some of your most basic human functions.   And many of the most significant dreams and expectations you had for your life. It is such an intense, personal struggle where feelings of self doubt, shame, disappointment, and jealousy can complicate your relationship with yourself, your husband, your family and your friends. It can call into question your faith, even your purpose as a woman. All of these feelings can be part of the invisible pain you deal with while you are expected to carry on with your life “as usual.”

Undergoing treatment for infertility often requires you to pay exorbitant amounts of money, take powerful medications with difficult side effects, and undergo painful medical procedures ~ simply to conceive a child; something you used to believe was a natural outcome of a loving marriage.

Each of us reacts to personal struggles in our unique way.  The thoughts and feelings you are having are normal, predictable, expected, and very difficult.

Here are some strategies to help deal with common issues as you navigate the journey of bringing your baby into the world:

People say the most insensitive things.   It’s true. Friends, family and acquaintances, in an attempt to be comforting, can say things that are extremely hurtful. They mean well, in trying to relate to your experience with their own advice or by sharing a peripheral story. They may explain your situation as God’s way of… something. While you may be inclined to burst into tears or scream, try to realize that their intention is to help. If you can, try to smile and say thank you. It is okay to end the conversation by excusing yourself, therefore minimizing the chance of the conversation getting more difficult for you.

The medicine makes me feel terrible. I have gained so much weight and my ovaries are so sensitive. I used to exercise to make me feel better and to control my weight. If your usual forms of exercise don’t feel helpful, consider alternatives. Many women find that yoga and swimming are more comfortable and comforting at this time.  A few other ways to deal with typical side effects of infertility drugs are:

• Taking your pills with food can help to prevent stomach upsets.
• If you’re having injections, hold an ice-bag next to your skin first, and then warm the injected area afterwards. This can help to prevent pain and bruising.
• Keep your fluid levels up. Although you may think more fluid is the last thing you need when you’re bloated, it will help.
• Talk to your doctor, too. She may be able to adjust your dosage or switch you to another drug.

I am ruining my relationship with my husband. All I can talk about is” baby, baby, baby.”  And when he does try to talk with me about it, he focuses on the wrong things. But then, if he doesn’t bring it up, I feel all alone and that he really isn’t as dedicated to this process as I am. There is a chance that your husband’s reaction to your circumstances is quite different from yours. You both are extremely stressed and concerned about the process and outcome. Women tend to want to talk about things to feel better, and men often process their concerns but keep them inside. Since so many of your thoughts and activities are focused on becoming pregnant, try to spend some time daily doing activities which bring you joy. You and your husband can agree to limit your “infertility conversations” to allow more time for other more peaceful, enjoyable conversations.

Making love is a distant memory. Now, sex is performed for a reason, on a schedule, whether we want to do it or not. It has become a job for both of us and in the times when we aren’t trying to “get pregnant”, I don’t even want it. One of the wonderful benefits of being involved in reproductive endocrinology treatment  is that you can leave the baby making up to the clinical staff.  You and your husband can return to your previous patterns of love making. Taking the pressure off can allow your focus to return to your loving and passionate connection.

I am angry or sad all the time and I hate everyone who has a child, especially those who have had an easy time getting pregnant.  These are all normal feelings and it is important to express them. If you have friends who are understanding and willing to listen, talk with them. Some women find journaling in a book or on their phone as a useful tool to get their feelings out. If you continue to feel overwhelmed, talk with your doctor or find a local counselor who specializes in infertility.

DERYLE HUNTER, LSCW

417-A South Sharon Amity Road 
Suite 100
Charlotte, North Carolina 28211
(704) 517-9116