College Kids Home for the Holidays: Tips for Navigating the Break

A college student’s return home for winter break is total holiday commercial material: a smiling child wrapping mom in a huge hug — and then handing over a bag of laundry.

The fact is, while it’s exciting for kids (and their parents!) to be reunited for a few weeks over the holidays, the dynamics may have changed. After all, your student has been living on their own for months; returning to the land of curfews, chores and other house rules could cause friction.

“As hard as it might be for parents to realize, your kids have been living independently for the past several months — and that’s good. It’s what you want as a parent,” says Katie Garrett, founder of Garrett Educational Consulting. “So acknowledge and recognize their independence. Remember, having these visits be fun and successful will require respect and communication from both parent and child.”

We asked Katie for some tips for navigating the visit home, for both parents and students. She gave us suggestions for everything from curfew to the highly-anticipated first meeting of your kid’s significant other. Here’s what she had to say:

Tips for Parents

• Lay the ground rules upfront.

“Do you have some ground rules that are non-negotiable? Make that clear,” Katie suggests. “Even though they are technically an adult, they are still financially dependent on you.”

For some parents, a curfew is mandatory. Others want to make sure their child is home for church or Sunday dinner just like in the days before college.

“Decide what your non-negotiable rules are, but keep in mind that this visit will set the tone for the future,” Katie says. “If you’re treating them like a 16-year-old and expecting them to act like it, they may not come home as much.”

• Communicate your schedules

Picture this: you were planning to have a family dinner with grandma, but your kids made plans with friends. A blowup ensues. It all could have been avoided with a little schedule coordination on the front-end.

“This is for both kids and parents — if you have plans on your calendar while you’re home, let everyone know ahead of time so there are no schedule conflicts or disappointments,” Katie says.

And although they’re excited to see you, they’ll probably want to spend time with their hometown friends as well. Katie’s advice: try to be understanding about their social lives while they’re home.

“It’s not all about you,” she says.

• Pick your battles

Their childhood room has remained pristine since they left, but now it’s full of cups, bowls and dirty socks. Is it worth the fight?

“I would say don’t sweat the small stuff,” Katie says. “If something isn’t endangering their lives, sometimes you just have to let things go. If you can’t stand it, shut the bedroom door.”

• Welcome their significant other … with caveats

Hosting your student’s girlfriend or boyfriend for the first time can evoke lots of emotions: excitement, anxiety, dread… but it’s a rite of passage for both students and parents that can be made easier with some preparation.

“Again, lay the ground rules before they get there such as separate bedrooms or which plans they are expected to be present for,” Katie says. “Open communication is key.”

• Be welcoming

Whether your student is bringing a guest or not, Katie says the bottom line is to try to make the visit as welcoming as possible.

“Ask what meals they want to have while they’re there, or what snacks they’d like in the pantry,” she says. “They’re at college and have the choice to come home. The more pleasant their time is at home, the more likely they’ll want to come back — and bring friends.”

The bottom line for parents: even though they’re still your children, it’s time to start treating them like adults in some ways.

“As our children get older, we have to change how we show them love,” Katie says. “Giving them autonomy and respect while still showing them you care is a great way to begin the transition into your future relationship with them.”

Tips for students

• Follow the house rules

Yes, you’ve been in college behaving a certain way in your own living space. But now you’re back in your parents’ house.

“Some of the things you’ve been doing at college won’t be acceptable to do at home, and you need to recognize that,” Katie says. “Be respectful of their house rules.”

A few simple ways to show respect: clean up after yourself — don’t expect your parents to do it — and obey any curfew or drinking-related rules your parents have put in place.

• Communicate

Let your parents know your plans and schedule as much as possible and if things change, tell them. Even if they won’t like it.

“If you end up staying out past curfew and don’t show up until 3 a.m. without calling, your mom will be worried,” Katie says. “Communication is key.”

• Visit your teachers

Remember the people who wrote your recommendation letters, reviewed your essays and celebrated with you when you got accepted? Go back and give them an update.

“Keep up those high school teacher relationships,” Katie says. “If you have a relationship with a teacher who’s still in town, go visit and let them know how it’s going.”

• Take a break but don’t totally disconnect from school

If you’re not totally finished with schoolwork, keep an eye on any outstanding assignments to make sure they don’t fall through the cracks.

Even if you’re done until next semester, Katie says you should still check your email from time to time.

“They might email you a syllabus or work you’ll need to do before the first day of class,” she says.

Winter break is also a great time to reflect on the past semester and plan for the future.

“Think about what went well and what changes you could make moving forward,” Katie suggests.

Being home for the holidays should be relaxing and fun for both parent and child — make sure it stays that way by being respectful, flexible and ready to communicate. Have a great winter break!

Do you have any ideas for making winter break fun and drama-free for students and parents? Tell us in the comments.

Garrett Educational Consulting, LLC is a full-service, academic consulting firm based in Charlotte, North Carolina. With more than 20 years of experience in education and counseling, Katie Garrett guides and supports students and families that are navigating important academic decisions. Services include all aspects of academic advising, comprehensive college planning, independent day school consulting, and boarding school application guidance.