Wikipedia actually takes the time to tell you that Empty Nest Syndrome is not a legitimate medical condition. Thanks Wiki, good to know.
Maybe they felt that needed to be cleared up, since it goes on to say that “symptoms of empty nest syndrome can include depression, a sense of loss of purpose, feelings of rejection, or worry, stress, and anxiety over the child’s welfare.”
Anyone who has had a child leave home for college knows what empty nest syndrome is … mom, dad, sibling or pet. Everyone deals with it in their own way, although our dog seems to be doing the most sleeping on the subject. It definitely feels like a loss. Not quite like the loss of an elderly parent, but in the same galaxy. It is an inevitable part of life, and an appropriate and not unexpected next step. That doesn’t make it any easier.
After all, you’ve been working toward this day since Kindergarten drop off. But there is a hole in your life, that’s for sure. The good news is that you’re only mourning the loss of a time you loved, not a person you loved.
There is as varied and plentiful advice for this stage of parenting from those who have been there ~ as there is for every other stage from conception through grandparenting. Everyone has a story and their favorite tips, and they’ll share them whether you want to hear them or not.
And so…
Figuring out the right level and format for communication with your child is one of the early major challenges. How often and when does it become helicoptering? Who’s on point for initial contact? Them? You? What if they haven’t called and it’s been 2 weeks?
Should you have a set plan? Should you just reach out whenever the mood strikes? Should you worry if they don’t respond? Here are a few of the options our friends use:
- Call your mother Every Week Without Fail or I will cut off your allowance
- FaceTime Every Sunday Afternoon
- Parent texts every day just to say hey and stay in touch. Kid responds “ok” or “yeah”. Parent is fulfilled.
- Wait til they reach out ~ after all, no news is good news (nostalgic throwback to our own parents’ m.o.)
- Follow them on social media just so you know they are alive (and ok, what they’re up to)
- Try to figure out their other secret social so you can see what they are really up to
Here are a few options no one should ever use:
- Comment anywhere with perky, pithy parental quips. Stealth is critical here. You can be blocked in a flash.
- Friend request their friends since your kid won’t let you on their social. (that works in high school sometimes though) You will just embarrass them with their new grown-up college kid friends.
- Drop in for a surprise visit
There’s been a ridiculous amount of communication comparison between my husband and me. That first two weeks it was like we were waiting to be asked to prom or something.
- Did you hear from him today? Yes.(jealousy). Did You? Yes. (deflated). / No. (concern). Did You? No. (mild panic).
- He texted me today of his own accord. (Trying not to gloat).
- He sent me a photo today. (Flat out gloating)
- He emailed today. (said no GenZ parent ever. I just made that up)
From what I can tell, girls call when they’re having some drama, unload on the parent, and freak the parent out completely. The parent doesn’t sleep all night, and the girl has moved off  the whole thing by the next morning. Boys = two word responses to text.
There is lots of debate among our friends over the use of phone apps like Life360 and FindMyFriends to keep “tabs”on your college child. I have helicoptering issues bordering on stalking, so I am not a good resource. I would just say know yourself. If you are going to be up all hours of the night trying to find out where your child is all hours of the night, Life360 is not your friend. However, if you haven’t heard from your son in days and just want to make sure he’s getting up and going to classes without have to be such a nudge as to ask him, well, there’s an app for that.
Basically I’ve spent this first month of Empty Nesting trying to find the happy middle ground between Peace Of Mind and Mind My Own Business.
It’s a work in progress.
And now, please link through and read my most favorite essay on this time by Michael Gerson in the Washington Post here. #somuchtruth #sowellsaid.
