A few weeks ago, I attended a formal dinner party and the host, and many of the guests, admitted to me (knowing what I do for a living) that they didn’t know some of the basics of a formal dinner like how to properly set the table.
While we might think we know what to do and say, I thought some tips like, for example, it’s NOT okay to “ghost”, might be helpful to review. Take a look at the tips for both hosting and attending a formal dinner party, and then share with others (like those people who might be interested in a little friendly etiquette advice).
EDITOR’S NOTE: While some of these tips are for the more formal dinner parties, good table manners, polite and considerate behavior and being a gracious host and guest are apropos for all gatherings at all times.
WHEN HOSTING a Formal Dinner Party
Be Prepared:
- Get as much of the cooking done ahead of time so that when guests arrive, you can greet them at the door and mingle.
- Put out a drink station so that people may pour their own wine, mixed drink, or grab a beer. If you’re having a really formal party, consider hiring someone to stand behind the bar and serve drinks and tidy up.
- Set the table ahead of time too and pay special attention to making sure everything is correct. If you’re unsure, look at the diagram below. Of course, only set out the items you are going to use for dinner, and add more based on what you might need.
- If you’d like people to sit in a special place, consider putting out place cards before your guests arrive. You sit at one end of the table, the other host (if any) at the other end, and then if you have a guest of honor, he/she would sit to your right.
During Dinner:
- As the host, you have certain responsibilities during the meal. Such as:
- Guests will wait for you to begin eating before they start (if they know the proper etiquette), and so you need to begin eating once everyone is seated and has food.
- If you have a practice of praying before a meal and you are hosting the dinner in your home, you may ask others to pray with you before you eat. If you are in someone else’s home and they do not pray before a meal, you do not ask them to say a prayer, but instead, you would just do it silently. You would only pray in a restaurant if you know for sure that everyone else at the table does pray before a meal.
- You need to make sure that everyone is feeling included and is talking to someone. If you see that someone isn’t talking very much then you can bring him/her into the conversation even if they are not seated next to you.
- You should make the first toast (if any) and you typically stand unless that seems awkward. If you have a guest of honor, he/she would be sitting on your right. Remember, you do NOT drink when the toast is made to you, because that is like patting yourself on the back.
After Dinner:
- While you will want to clear the dishes, it’s best not to actually clean the kitchen and load the dishwasher right away. People will feel they need to help and that maybe you are trying to get them to leave.
FOR DINNER PARTY GUESTS
Before You Go:
- Ask your host if there is something he/she would like you to bring. You may also ask the host what the dress code is so that you are properly dressed for the occasion.
- Purchase a hostess gift to bring with you such as a bottle of nice wine (minimum $20), or a fun household item, or send flowers to their house the day of the party.
- Brush-up on your formal dinner etiquette if you feel unsure about what to do before, during or after a meal. Click HERE to watch one of my Charlotte Today segments for a quick review. One of the most important things to understand is how to eat properly using either the American style of eating or the Continental style (see picture above). Neither is right or wrong, but you must choose one.
During the Dinner Party:
- Offer to help and make yourself useful if you can.
- Do not monopolize the host or other guests and make an effort to talk to everyone at the party. During the meal, you are actually responsible for talking to the people on either side of you and the person who’s sitting across from you at the table.
- Do not bring up any conversation topic that might make others uncomfortable or upset which includes (but certainly not limited to) politics, religion, gross topics or gossip.
- Remember some of the basic table manners like: Put your napkin on your lap, pass food to the right and salt and pepper together, only butter one piece of bread at a time, place your fork and knife at “10:00 / 4:00” on your plate when you are finished eating like the diagram below.
After Dinner:
- It is never okay to just “quickly slip out” of the party because you don’t want to make a scene or have others know you’ve left. This is just rude. You need to always go to the host(s) and tell them thank you and that you need to leave for whatever reason. You don’t have to say good-bye to anyone else if you don’t want to, but you must say good-bye to the hosts.
- The next day, it would be best if you wrote a thank-you note and sent it to your hosts thanking them for the party. If you can’t send a hand-written note, then call them personally to say thank you, or at very least, send them a text or email.
- Once someone has invited you to their house, it is polite to extend an invitation to them to come to your house the next time.
If you have any other questions on formal dinner etiquette please contact me at aimee@finesseworldwide.com or go to my website at FinesseWorldwide.com.
Have kids?
HERE is a quick TV segment on how to teach kids table manners. Also, if you’d like your 5th, 6th or 7th grader to attend a modern cotillion this winter in the Lake Norman area, please click HERE for details and to register.
